i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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