I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize