Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize