I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
