I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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