I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
