yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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