Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
