I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
