So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
