I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
