And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
