Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
