You're completely useless in the revolution.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
