if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize