So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
