She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
