Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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