your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wish my penis had an off switch
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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