Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
