During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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