Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I woke up under a house in Key West
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