Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
