I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
