She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
