I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
