I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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