I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
