the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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