I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
