I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
