Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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