How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
