made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
