Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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