A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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