I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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