I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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