Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
