I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
