Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
