I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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