people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I will be naked everywhere
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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