having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
