I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize