Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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