and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
