dude i'm inner monologue high
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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