You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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