: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just pee around me
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
