You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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