You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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