i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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