I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm sobbing to NWA
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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