it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
